so hvnt been here in a while cuz im waaay busy w work n other frivolous musings i.e. deciding btwn balenciaga, nightingale, marcie, rocco & daria, or settle for less w an mbmj (for now), or a pair of chanel flats or replace my varinas… luvin singlehood n spending all my hard earned money on myself. lalala im a happy beaver ^^
i love you. because it’s new year’s eve. because i don’t want 2012 to end without me having said it. because i mean it. because i’ve probably been in love with you all this while but i hate to admit it to myself. because, there, i said it, and i hope you feel the same way. because i can say tomorrow that it’s a new year and it will be an excuse to move on from this if you don’t. because i wish i get to kiss you when the clock strikes twelve. because i didn’t get to last year. because i’ll be fine if you don’t say it back. because i want to tell you i love you just because i can. because i dare. because you’re amazing. because i’ve said it now, two times. because three’s a charm so here’s one more. i love you.
so im halfway through drafting thank you messages to those who’ve gotten me through this year and i am realising how selfish i’ve been, wallowing in my own sadness most of the time, then running away to savour bits of ephemeral happiness by myself. i am ashamed to say that i haven’t exactly done anything for anyone this year.
i swear i’ll learn to be better in 2013.
… i am pretty much dead.
… but alive enough to rhyme, yes? of course. i hate it.
did i say too much? or have i not said enough? could i have said more? or less? or should i have not spoken at all?
spent the first few hours of 121212 with a special flame, went to bed in the wee hours of the morning happy, slept for 4 hours but woke up with a certain kind of merriment. i like how all this sound but i guess i just gotta think of the little things and keep looking forward. mmm.
a is for alcohol
b is for bullshit
c is for cunt
d is for drugs
e is for enough
f is for fuck you
g is for go away
h is for hell
i is for i
j is for joke
k is for karma
l is for
fuck this shit im done
well, it passed. and for a while, it slipped my mind. i slipped my mind. my sickness slipped my mind. like always, i forget about it for a single moment. and i am happy. then it drops on my head again.
i cannot think. i don’t know what i am typing. i’ve worked for 15 hours today, 13 hours standing. i am tired. nobody cares. nobody should. i don’t want anyone to care. if anyone cares i would feel inclined to return the care and before i know it, i would have grown way too detached. its just me i guess. fuck me.
i’ve decided that all i want for christmas is to grow a penis. if i had a penis i’d be a fuckin straight douchebag AND a gay slut. fuck everyone.
things are going to get better, right? with time? its been a year… its been twenty-fucking-one years. something good is bound to happen soon right? fuck you.
